PRESS PIGSKIN PROGNOSTICATORS
Coeur d'Alene Press | UPDATED 6 years, 9 months AGO
Just when you thought they might be fools ...
By MIKE PATRICK
PPP Commissioner
Oh, may wonders never cease.
A week ago, The League chastised every Press All-Star Pigskin Prognosticator for blatant incompetence. Not one of them posted a winning record in Week 10, the first time in the otherwise august history of this competition that’s happened.
After publishing some of the pigskin pickers’ pathetic excuses — blaming Lee White’s dog, Buster, was a favorite — the prognosticators went out and did something astonishing. In Week 11, every single one of them posted a winning record. Talk about outhouse to penthouse; worst to first; (expletive) to Shinola.
(The League launches an instant investigation. The League asks, “What the hell is Shinola?” After a strenuous Google probe, which is kind of like what the Chicago Bears offense subjects its fans to every week, The League learned this: Shinola is a brand of boot polish. You can find the Bears on the bottom of those boots.)
The wonders didn’t cease with all winning records.
Proof that the apocalypse is indeed upon us, last-place prognosticator Anne Hagman KO’d Suzanna Spencer. Hagman went 11-3; Spencer 9-5.
The League did not need any probes to recall the audacious challenge Spencer unleashed on poor Anne in early October, when Spencer was atop the PPP standings, which is aka being atop the world.
STCU’s Spencer spewed:
“Anne, if you can come up with ONE STUPID WEEK with a record better than me, I will hand wash your green machine and post a video about it, a shout out to your nonprofit of choice. If I win, treats for my Post Falls team with a cute sign that says WE LOVE YOU STCU! Deal?”
Deal, responded Hagman.
“Wow! You raise the bar pretty high for me, but you’re on,” Hagman wrote. “I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my (green machine washing) buckets out for you, Miss Suzanna.”
Hagman, as The League documented recently, has left ICCU, so the credit union’s green machine deal is likely off the table. Hence this ultimatum from The League:
Ladies, figure out a fair way to settle this debt. Notify The League promptly. The Commissioner’s office will ask Rick Reilly to cover the wager payoff. If the hall of fame sportswriter isn’t available, maybe Buster will do it.
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Current standings and this week’s picks: See today’s Sports section.