PRESS PIGSKIN PROGNOSTICATORS

Fate kicks Kennedy through goalposts of life

By MIKE PATRICK

PPP Commissioner

The League warned everybody about Steve Cameron.

The League never imagined Oh Suzanna kicking pigskin booty like this.

And The League knew without a doubt that Mike Kennedy would talk a better game than he plays.

But one thing at a time in this chapter of The Days of Our Press Pigskin Prognosticator Lives.

MEOW v. WOOF: Cameron, a sports columnist for Coeur d’Alene’s finest newspaper, was just a few weeks ago seemingly left for dead, much like the Bears in London. But The League warned its 10 other All-Star Pigskin Prognosticators that Cameron is sneaky like this, that they’d better not turn their backs on him. His secret weapon? Sammy, The World’s Greatest Cat, assists him with each week’s picks. In a Kootenai Humane Society dream match of feline vs. canine, Cameron and Sammy used a League-best 10-4 mark last week to edge one game ahead of CDA Police Chief Lee White and his whizzing, pooping pooch Buster. Cameron and Sammy are just two games behind the leader: Oh Suzanna Spencer.

RUNNING AWAY WITH IT? Mrs. Spencer didn’t exactly have it in cruise control over the weekend. Even though she increased her lead over second-place prognosticators Jared Staples to two games, Spencer’s side bet with Anne Hagman had to draw a bead of sweat. Last week, fans might recall, Spencer hurled a challenge at Hagman that could not be ignored: If Hagman beats Spencer just one week this entire football season, Spencer will wash Hagman’s employer’s Mean Green Machine, a marketing tool on wheels for ICCU. Hagman finished tied with STCU’s Spencer, who reportedly was laughing all the way to the (Post Falls Food) Bank, the local nonprofit she’s playing for.

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW: The nerve of this pigskin picker. Kennedy incurred the wrath of his male competitors and a blush or three from the female pigskin pickers by crushing the guys and kissing up to the girls.

“I may be tied for fourth place, but among the printed head shots of the male participants every week in the newspaper?” Kennedy wrote to his colleagues last Friday. “I’m so completely ahead in first place the rest of you should be embarrassed. Seriously, Chief Knight — Jack Nicholson’s character from the 1992 film “A Few Good Men” called and he wants his haircut back. DeAnne, Anne, and Suzanna, you all look terrific.”

At the time, Kennedy was indeed tied for fourth. But if you know Mike, you also know he couldn’t help but tempt the fates.

“Have a wonderful week, all,” he gushed. “I’m leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow for a work conference (really) and I’m going to see if my 59.7% winning percentage in this league carries over to the craps table. Wish me luck.”

Luck isn’t exactly what the lady dealt him. Kennedy posted the worst record of the week, a humiliating 5-9 mark — 35.71%. He is now tied for eighth, which sounds decent in an 11-player field. But it isn’t: Kennedy’s among four pickers with 51-40 records, good for last place. So put that in your comb and rake it, Mikey.

NOT JEALOUS ALERT: The fact that The Commissioner has nary a hairy on his glistening pate plays absolutely no part in the scathing remarks toward Mike Kennedy above.

IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN: Former police chief Tom Cronin cited The Commissioner and Press assistant news editor Joel Donofrio for a brain freeze that chilled thousands of readers last Thursday. Cronin noticed that last week’s picks on Page B5 referred to “Pittsburgh at San Diego,” so he had The Commissioner and The News Editor arrested and charged with a Class 1 Gridiron Gaffe. The men were extradited to San Diego, where they’ll be forced to watch the Chargers host the St. Louis Rams on Sunday.

To see this week’s picks, the season standings, the nonprofits each player is representing and Chief Pat Knight’s hair, head on over to today’s Sports section.