Hey, you wanna see something really scary?

No, not the Press Pigskin Prognosticators with their masks on. The prognosticators with their hair down and their masks off.

Chalk it up to Halloween, perhaps, but The League crawled into a corner trembling when the pigskin pickers puckered up this week and let loose a torrent of smacktalk. Leader Suzanna Spencer, after going 14-1 last week, got the bloody ball rolling, and bobbing heads soon followed.

SPENCER: I don’t know squat about football but I do know which guys have the best looking bods in those uniforms and I pick from there! I can’t believe I have not heard from the pizza dough boys, dude who analyzes his dog’s poop to make the pick, the coaches who say they really know the sport, the police dudes who carry big guns and the hard-working folk running companies. I’m just sitting here in my little office, looking back at plays of the week, checking out the best helmet hair and sideline chat so I can decide who I am going to pick this next week as the best looking and winners for the week. Good luck catching me now!

JIM HIGHTOWER: Oh, Suzanna! You have made amazing picks, especially if your method is really studying which teams have the players with the cutest booties! This pizza dough boy has been truly humbled — not by the other pizza guy so much as by Chief White’s dog, Buster!

BUSTER: (Growling in background, crouching over some Domino’s dough …)

MIKE KENNEDY: (To the tune of “Oh! Susanna”)

Well, I come from New York City with my attitude on my knee

And I’m bound for ole North Idaho, my ignorance for all to see.

So I approved of you folks showing

My picks in the local rag,

Before I came up knowing

That banker lady likes to brag.

Oh! Suzanna, oh don’t you gloat at me

Cuz when you do start losing, we’ll all mock you with glee.

© Mike Kennedy, who (don’t look now) went 13-2 last week, and would have been 14-1 if the Commissioner’s beloved Bears weren’t the lamest bunch of Midway Meltdowns ever …

JIM WINGER: Good work Mike! You must be having someone else pick for you? No way you could pick 13 winners. You don’t have the talent for that!

CHIEF PAT KNIGHT: Mike can’t count to 13, either!

KENNEDY: Maybe not, but unlike some I can and have consumed an entire 12 inch pizza in one sitting — from Domino’s OR Papa Murphy’s!

(Alas, though I don’t suggest it. Have you seen what goes into those things these days? Might as well call up and order the “Ex-Lax Supreme” …)

JARED STAPLES: Mike, did you order a pizza with extra prunes? Cuz that would explain things.

MIKE RANDLES: I am sure many of you are familiar with what Muhammad Ali did to George Foreman. For several rounds, everyone thought Ol’ George had the fight put away. Really, though, it was a ruse. Ali was letting Foreman punch himself out. I will continue to stay on the ropes and let you good folks keep throwing those haymakers. I have been assured and assured again, given the field, the Children’s Village can start planning their ads.

•••

It’s midseason, so you know the drill, fans. Go to today’s Sports section and see who your favorite pickers favor in Week 9.

Just watch your step. Buster was there first.