PRESS PIGSKIN PROGNOSTICATORS

Smacktalk floodgates swing wide open

By MIKE PATRICK

PPP Commissioner

Like Chinese chicken, Press Pigskin Prognostication is best served sweet and sour.

Sweet: Jordyn Keller, who works in The League office and handles communications with your 11 distinguished PPP all-stars.

Sour: Your 11 distinguished PPP all-stars.

After a frustratingly sportsmanlike Week 2, in which nary a prognosticator fired smacktalk at a fellow pigskin picker, Jordyn stirred the pot in a missive to the players. Sweetly, of course.

“You all were a little quiet last week,” she wrote, “probably busy planning your picks, studying stats, watching scores and rubbing your crystal ball. Let’s crank up the heat this week!”

The League responded to reports of the guys rubbing their crystal balls in public. But when CDA Police Chief Lee White and PF Chief Pat Knight are two of the main culprits, who you gonna call?

Crank it up they did. Jordyn’s gentle prodding unleashed a torrent of insults, delighting The League and leading to an internal memo stating that a new wing might need to be added to the PPP Smacktalk Hall of Fame.

Some sumptuous samples:

CHIEF WHITE: Buster [his dog, who’s doing the pickin’ — and apparently, the poopin’] says he is gonna leave you smelling like something he left on the lawn.

MIKE RANDLES: After my stellar week 1 performance (14-1-1 for those who need reminding), my wife asked me to quit showing off, to give the others a chance. She warned me that a few of my competitors had enough strikes against them, pointing out both my mentor (Jim Winger) and Chief White’s haircuts ... Sorry, folks, no more charity for those flat tops.

JIM WINGER: This is a marathon not a sprint. Mike Randles my counterpart and my neighbor Mike Kennedy will be left in the dust. Old flat top will rolling down the stretch. Boys you have no chance. Mr Kennedy the neighborhood has heard enough of your smack. They won’t even leave the windows open.

MIKE KENNEDY: “Old flat top will rolling down the stretch.” — Jim Winger, Lake City High School

Can anyone help me here — is this guy supposed to be an educator? I’d be happy to reply to the nonsensical smack talk, Mr. Winger, but only after you walk your email down the hallway to a qualified English teacher and bring it back with the red marks on it showing improvement.

Or, failing that, I have two kids there — one senior and one freshman — who would be happy to spend some time after school tutoring you in grammar.

WINGER: FYI Mike Kennedy, yes I do have a degree in English from Gonzaga University...I will have my PhD in kicking your butt in NFL picks very shortly. See you in my rear view mirror Mikey!!!!!

WHITE: Buster says your chances of winning are as small as him not having a goofy look on his face when he does the rectal toboggan on the grass.

SUZANNA SPENCER: This week’s matchups are simple as pie to pick the winners. Oh wait, Anne Hagman has NO idea how to bake ... Mr. Winger, Buster is only making smellies on the lawn to get you off the couch and out in the yard to play with him ... I also ran into Chief Knight at the mailboxes the other night and realize he is too busy enjoying the new baby granddaughter so won’t be a threat with his picks for the remainder of the season. Congrats on being a grandfather. So sad about you being a giant football pick LOSER.

CHIEF KNIGHT: I did run into Suzanna Spencer down near my mailbox, but what she fails to mention is that I caught her husband on the phone with Vegas asking the odds and filling out Sizanna’s picks for the week. You see, she had to actually ask me what the difference was between FOOTBALL and SOCCER ... After Week One I learned never to bet too much against Lee White’s dog. That darn dog tied me in Week One and took a one-game lead in Week Two. Though I still doubt the dog can hunt ...

Even mild-mannered and ever-respectful Jared Staples of Papa Murphy fame got into the act.

“I’m just glad to be beating [Domino’s Pizza owner Jim] Hightower! Beating everyone else is just a bonus ...” he wrote.

And he signed it: Jared #1 Staples

By the way, for those interested in seeing who’s in the lead, who’s lagging behind and who’s picking whom this week — all in the name of helping local nonprofits — see today’s Sports section. Just watch out for Buster’s masterpieces on the way.