Last week, I called disillusionment an enemy. The dictionary defines it as “a feeling of disappointment that something is not as good as one believed it to be.”

There’s no need to detail all the COVID-19-induced disillusionment we are experiencing. That is being covered backward and forward, right side up and upside down in spades.

Disillusionment is a killer. It can destroy interpersonal relationships — impede friendship with myself — distort my view of God.

Recently I read that a “matchmaking website for cheating spouses” is doing a booming business. The article states people are “seeking an outlet from their daily relationship stress.” Before the virus uptick — 17,000 new clients per day — there were 65 million members. The reason for such “success” — disillusionment in marriage relationships.

I’ve disappointed myself so many times in life I don’t know why I’m not the queen of addictions just trying to dull my disillusionment. The only reason is a God who forgives when I admit I’ve blown it, who gives me courage to try again. The benefit is looking at myself straight on — and liking what I see. Lots to work on still — and who knows what all will crop up — but I can face it with hope.

Disillusionment makes me a false judge of myself and others. And gives a skewed perspective of who God appears to be when I don’t think something has gone right or been fair, or He hasn’t done exactly what I thought should have happened or given me what I asked. This is perhaps the deepest disillusionment because I can no longer trust who He says He is. The Bible is called a “God-breathed” book because it is God’s story communicated to humankind. Not people merely writing their ideas and opinions about God. And one of the big things it says is God can be trusted — even when things are looking bleak. That this world isn’t all He has in mind.

It would be an injustice to say disillusionment does not sometimes have an upside — if it becomes a catalyst for future good. But more often it’s very hard to pivot. Instead, I’m learning to disarm it by trusting God — and cultivating a thankful heart.

Disillusionment and gratitude are not a match.