“God created marriage. No government subcommittee envisioned it. No social organization developed it. Marriage was conceived and born in the Mind of God.” — Max Lucado

With Valentine’s Day approaching, we thought this would be an excellent opportunity to talk about love … and marriage. Who better to talk to than a couple who have been doing marriage coaching, managing relational conflict, mentoring and hosting workshops for decades?

Beyond that they have been happily married for over 41 years. My wife, Jane, and I had an opportunity to sit down over coffee with Gary and Cathy O’Neal about their calling, experiences and advice regarding marriage.

Gary and Cathy, it seems like marriage is not valued in society as it once was. Many believe with the introduction of “no fault divorce” there has been an increase in divorce. Divorce is easier now than ever before. What have you seen?

We encourage couples to take advantage of our pre-marital classes. Many parents and grandparents pay for those sessions for their children to get them off on the right foot. We not only see engaged or newly married couples but we coach couples that have been married for many years. We use our experience and training to coach, mentor and encourage our clients from a Biblical perspective. We can’t change hearts but the power of Christ can bring about miracles in any relationship. People have a choice. They can choose one path or another. We like to help them see the differing paths and where the outcome of that choice can lead them.

We see that you take a team approach in working with your clients. How does that work and why?

Many of our clients really appreciate the fact that there is both a man and a woman coaching them towards a healthy, lasting marriage. Some believe that they may not get a fair assessment or there may be some bias when working with an individual. Our desire is to bring a balanced perspective to our clients.

This has been a good method for us to follow and we both enjoy working together. As with most couples, we are exact opposites in almost everything but we are better together than alone. Cathy is strong where I am weak and I am strong in areas where Cathy is weak. When people want to work on their marriage, there are few reasons why it cannot work. But clients need to work hard to be successful. We can’t fix anybody, but we strive to help those who genuinely want help.

Before we begin meeting with clients we ask them to fill out an intake form with a number of questions about their experiences and expectations. This saves time and sets the stage for our first meeting together.

Although we have an office in downtown Coeur d’Alene, we also have many clients in other states that we meet with via phone, Skype or Vsee.

What are the important things that every couple needs to do to renew their marriage?

That is a great question and the reasons for relational difficulties are diverse. Most often couples struggle with effective communication; this is the No. 1 issue we see in unresolved conflict. Even though relationship issues may be over money, intimacy, children, or time spent with friends or relationships with in-laws; if you don’t learn to discuss these issues you can’t resolve them. One of the most important things any couple can do is to have time to communicate and pray together. No matter what the situation, we look at ourselves as “perpetual purveyors of hope.” There was a reason they once fell in love and we need to rekindle that spark to renew and transform the marriage.

You also provide a number of other services. Can you describe these?

We do life, relationship and business coaching to assist people who are navigating changing circumstances in their life, like a new career, empty nesters, assisting those with issues of forgiveness and reconciliation, or those who just feel stuck in life and aren’t able to see a way through their current difficulties.

We also offer mediation services for any civil lawsuit including child custody plans and modifications for divorced parents.

Elder mediation is another service we offer. This is a process where we meet with families who may be in conflict over what they may consider solutions for their aging parents. Things like: When should mom or dad stop driving, long-term care or even end-of-life issues for their parents. We work closely with the family to assist and support them as they explore options with the best possible outcome for their elderly parents.

This type of mediation is critical to preserve family relationships. We want to provide opportunities for “shared family decision making.” This is an informal process and can take place in almost any location, including private homes, senior living facilities or wherever. This is private, confidential and completely voluntary. In other words, those who wish to participate can and those who don’t want to don’t have to.

We have covered a lot considering we started out with a Valentine’s Day theme! Pre-marriage, marriage, plus the elder years, and even resolving conflict. How do all these things tie together?

Bob and Jane, we often refer to the variety of things we do as “Several branches on the same tree.” They really are all related. It’s all about relationships and establishing peace, joy and contentment in those relationships. We are called to love and care for others and that really is central to our heart for ministry. In 1 Corinthians 13 we read, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.” These words apply to nearly every coaching situation and peacemaking opportunity.

How do your clients find your services?

Most of our clients are referred to us from previous clients, their relatives, pastors, and doctors. Sometimes people find us online or participate in a workshop we host or through a speaking engagement where one of us has presented.

Thank you for your time this morning. We know that many of our problems in society stem from the breakdown of the family. If anyone wants to contact you, how do they do that?

They can call at 208-660-3774 or visit our website https://onealcoaching.com for further information or to schedule an appointment. We offer a complimentary 30-minute visit to answer questions and assess if we are a right fit to meet a potential client’s specific needs.

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Bob Shillingstad’s columns appear Saturdays in The Press. Email Bob: [email protected]