MOSES LAKE — It’s been said that 90 percent of success is just showing up. That may well be true of fatherhood. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than one child in four in America lives in a home with no father. Statistics aren’t everything, of course, and not all fathers are good ones, but some statistics suggest that children who grow up with a father in the home have lower rates of poverty, substance abuse, incarceration, teen pregnancy and other problems.

But, as Father’s Day approaches — it is Sunday, June 21 — what makes a good father, and how does he get that way?

A major factor is a man’s own father, one way or the other. “One thing I did learn from my dad is the value of hard work,” said 48-year-old Matt Krogh of Moses Lake, father of Collin, 23, and Madison, 19. “He believed in education. He was really a firm believer in getting a degree.” At the same time, Krogh said, “I learned a lot of things not to do. I took the things I did not appreciate and said ‘these are the things I will not do.’”

“My folks split up when I was 10,” said Dan Bolyard, 48, of Coulee City, whose 20-year-old daughter, Danika, recently got married. “My mom remarried to a stepfather who kind of stepped in for me and my sister. He did a pretty good job.”

From his stepfather, Bolyard said, he learned about “treating my wife and my kid respectfully, which is a lot like what my stepfather did. (We learned about) being treated fairly. No special favors, just honest and true.”

Sean Sallis, youth pastor at First Baptist Church in Moses Lake, is 38 years old and has two sons and a daughter: Josiah, 14, Jonah, 9 and Joy, 8.

“One thing that stuck with me about my dad was the amount of patience he must have had for me,” said Sallis. “I’m getting payback for all the stuff I did. So yeah, patience is probably the biggest thing. Especially with my middle son because he’s a lot like me. The patience you have to have to work with a kid like that, and I was that kid.”

“What I remember the most is wrestling” with his dad, said David Enquist, 34, of Moses Lake, the father of 11-year-old Degan and almost-9-year-old Caroline. “I remember those common bond things that you do for fun together. Enjoying those moments with him.”

But one man isn’t the only factor in the equation. Many fathers learn their dad skills from other men they respect.

“I’ve had several people in my life, mentors,” said Sallis. “Pastor Andy (Grenier), he’s been with me since I was in middle school here. In our church family, there’s parents in our church that don’t tell us how to raise our kids but they always give us advice and ways to handle things. That’s been a great blessing.”

Krogh also had a mentor, he said. “I learned a lot from Steve (Hill, Krogh’s father-in-law). I learned a lot about patience and grace and the power of kind of living in the moment and not wanting things to rush by. And that came directly from (Steve). He was always wanting to say ‘let’s just slow down, let’s just watch this.’ It’s gonna go by fast.”

For many guys, fatherhood can be a daunting task, especially at first.

“I still can’t believe they let me be a parent now,” said Enquist. “I feel like I haven’t learned enough. When you first start it’s just a whirlwind of everything. I think the biggest thing is just the lack of sleep. It’s the first thing you’re not prepared for, but after that, you kind of learn along the way.”

Children throw a lot at parents in different ways. “I’m not prepared for them to come back and repeat the same smart remarks that I would say. Trying not to laugh and still being proud of the wit,” Enquist added.

“I knew we were going to have a baby,” said Krogh. “But the idea of how it would profoundly change my life, that wasn’t even on my radar ... After (Collin) was born, it was like a paradigm shift ... Instead of a selfish dream of what do I want and where do I want to go, it switched to ‘Where can I put myself in a good position to be the best father for my kids and help them to achieve their goals?’”

“Growing up, because I came from a home of divorce, one thing that really scared me was parenting,” said Sallis. “I was like, how am I going to do this? What does it look like? That’s not a knock on my dad or anything, it’s just the reality.”

Bolyard found the whole idea of having a child intimidating, he said. “Finding that she was a little bit of a handful growing up. Having to grab her in the middle of church screaming and carrying on. But we eventually learned how she was able to learn and adapted our style to meet her needs.”

“Patience, patience, patience” is the key, Enquist said. “Every moment in everything is kind of a teachable moment with kids. Learning to just take a step back, let it all ride, and being a little more thoughtful and not pure emotional. I think that’s the biggest lesson that I’m continuing to work out.”

One factor that fathers said was crucial was humility and the ability to admit to being wrong.

“It can be hard sometimes to apologize,” said Krogh. “And in a moment of anger you snap at them, and you could just let it go, but the learning is when you go up and say ‘Listen, Dad’s been really frustrated at work and I snapped at you. And that’s not what a man does.’”

Sallis agreed. “I think one of the things as a dad has been always going back to my kids before the sun goes down and sitting down and apologizing if it’s needed, or having them walk through some stuff to get things right on their heart. One of the most important things for me as a dad is not to allow bitterness to take root in our hearts toward each other.”

“There’s nothing more humbling than having to go to your 14-year-old and ’fess up that you screwed up,” he added. “That just isn’t any fun.”

When his kids look back on their upbringing, Enquist said, “I hope they take away hard work and responsibility, but also remember to have a good time. Remember that life’s supposed to be fun. It can end at any moment, just make the most of it.”

“Sometimes I think I’m getting it figured out,” said Sallis, “and sometimes I need a whole lot more work. It’s a funky deal.”