Your Mrs. Language Person can’t take credit for this one. Just when her weary head had nearly reached the ground, droopy and laden by the weight of words so thoughtlessly misused and abused at every turn (sigh), two Dear Readers (one a former reporter, no less) rode valiantly to her rescue with these wordy witticisms.

Gratias, J.C. and M.S.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

What did the “copper” say to sodium and chloride? I’m taking you in for a salt.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silkworms had a race. They ended in a tie.

Two hats hung on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”

A backward poet writes inverse.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture carried two dead raccoons aboard an airplane. The flight attendant said, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

A conversation between two hydrogen atoms: “I've lost my electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I'm positive.”

Hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain before a root-canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Two Eskimos in a kayak lit a fire to keep warm. It sank, proving once again you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Finally, we have the guy who sent 10 puns to friends, hoping one would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

(MLP spies a smile behind your groans ...)

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network. Email Sholeh@cdapress.com.