Shohei Ohtani owns baseball.

Or, at least he’s rented the entire sport for his own mysterious needs — kind of like getting a giant Airbnb and refusing to let anyone visit.

Ohtani’s ridiculous secrecy about his free agent negotiations has gone to laughable extremes.

Except, no one’s laughing.

There is no question this guy might be the most gifted baseball player who ever lived, and he’s liable to bank around $600 million for his services.

But this impossible silence?

Threats from Shohei’s “camp” that any team that even mentions discussing contact with him will be punished?

It’s crazy.

Remember, though, this is a guy who reluctantly posed for a photo when he was named the American League MVP.

The picture showed a very stoic Shohei sitting on a couch with a beautiful dog.

Reporters who received the photo and were writing stories about Ohtani’s season asked a simple question. 

What is the dog’s name?

That request was forwarded to Shohei (or his people), and the answer came back.

Sorry, you can’t have the dog’s name.

So, not only is Shohei Ohtani private to an almost insane extreme, but apparently so is his pooch. 

It’s nuts, all of it.

BASEBALL executives gathered at this week’s Winter Meetings in Nashville want to do some business. Trades, free agent signings.

Everything has been put on hold, however, until Ohtani picks his new team — kind of like MLB’s version of “The Bachelor.”

Everyone is held hostage, including the Mariners.

A lot of teams are anxious to make things happen, but the Ohtani flirtations have halted all meaningful transactions.

Organizations that are bidding for Shohei — let’s guess the Dodgers, Cubs, Blue Jays and maybe a couple of mystery clubs — are frozen in place, because they might be planning their roster around the prize free agent.

Oh, and they’d have to make room in the budget for a staggering payoff.

OK, not only are those teams stuck until there’s a decision, but so are any clubs with whom they conceivably might do business.

In other words, almost everybody.

The Mariners naturally fall into that group, and this is a club that truly needs to get cracking.

There has been a trickle of news from the Seattle contingent, although you certainly could not call it definitive.

Bottom line: Jerry Dipoto said he didn’t plan to trade either of his coveted young pitchers, Bryce Miller or Bryan Woo.

Dipoto insisted that Miller and Woo are absolutely part of the Mariners’ plans for 2024, despite the fact that other teams are inquiring “constantly” about the pair.

“It’s the appeal of the young guy who has proven the ability to both compete at the major-league level, and help neutralize the growing payrolls around the league,” Dipoto said.

“That’s appealing. It’s hard to get to. And there’s a reason why we get so many phone calls, and there’s a reason why we love the guys the way we do.

“They’re good and they’ve performed since the day they stepped on a major-league field.”

WE KNOW the plan then, yes?

The Mariners will either try to trade from their pool of minor league prospects (Dipoto said he didn’t like that, either) or they’ll take the money they’ve saved by dumping payroll and find some bargain free agents. 

Uh.

Maybe not.

At the end of the day (or however many days Ohtani maintains radio silence), the Mariners will have to find some bats.

They can hope they were correct on grabbing Dom Canzone and Ryan Bliss in last year’s trade with Arizona.

In a perfect world, Canzone might be an everyday left fielder and Bliss – who would become the fastest man on the roster – wins the second base job.

Still, they can’t possibly believe Luis Urias is locked in at third, and even if that worked out, where is the offense from right field and DH?

Reality may win out.

The Mariners could finally trade either Miller or Woo for a hitter, then grab a free agent pitcher to refill the rotation.

“We’re always likely to trade. That’s just what we do,” Dipoto said. “Our comfort level in moving any of those (top prospects) wouldn’t be very high. But if we target the right player with another team, and we’re able to access that player, we will consider just about anything.”

Miller and Woo are staying, then.

Or not.

Eventually, it will play out.

We might even learn the name of Ohtani’s dog.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”