THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Just what are these guys right now, you tell me?

We’ve got a fun little quiz for you today.

With prizes, too.

Send in emails with your thoughts (address at the bottom of the column) and I’ll come up with a winner.

The victor gets a really nice-looking squash.

Just kidding.

We’ll try to come up with somethingbetter off than that — a lovely dinner out or some such — so give this one some serious intellectual work, gang.

Ready?

The 2023 Mariners currently are …

A. Simply in transition

B. Sidetracked by injuries

C. Just a mess

Honestly, I was going to hold off until mid-May to ask what you’re thinking, but the Tuesday night game at Oakland was SO Mariners (this year’s version) that I just couldn’t wait.

With Robbie Ray done for the season and Chris Flexen getting tattooed in each start (ditto Marco Gonzales last weekend in Toronto), it’s been a given that Seattle would need help from its army of minor league pitching prospects.

Last Saturday in Toronto, Easton McGee was summoned from Tacoma for a spot start and he was terrific, pitching into the seventh while allowing no runs and one hit.

The Mariners lost 1-0 in 10 innings (they’re 1-6 in extras), and McGee was placed on the 15-day injured list the next day.

KIND OF a tip-off on how things are shaking, yes?

Meanwhile, Julio Rodriguez has (again) missed time with a back problem, and Ty France is ill.

(Scott Servais, too, I’d guess.)

Right, so that brings us to Tuesday night, with a couple hundred witnesses at the Oakland Coliseum — not counting the possum in the press box.

The Mariners gave a debut to their top pitching prospect, Bryce Miller.

He was lights out, period.

Bryce pitched into the sixth with a perfect game, struck out 10 with no walks (only the third major leaguer to do that in his first start), and he looked awesome.

Meanwhile, Oakland’s own Miller (Mason) ALSO was pitching a no-hitter against the mighty M’s, and only left after seven because he’d thrown 100 pitches.

Seattle’s Miller stood to be the loser despite six brilliant innings and one skimpy run.

But then, those imitation ’27 Yankees fought back.

AJ Pollock, signed almost solely because he’s always crushed lefties (but hadn’t done it at all so far and is hitting .130 with a .505 OPS) shockingly tied the game in the eighth with a laser home run off left-hander Richard Lovelady.

Jose Caballero (.174) then doubled, was driven home on a Jarred Kelenic double, and the Mariners survived, 2-1 – giving them a 4-9 record in one-run games.

It’s almost certain that Miller (Bryce, that is) won’t be the last pitcher summoned from the minors for help.

Bryan Woo has looked terrific and might be the next in line.

Obviously, success against the hapless A’s — who are TRYING to lose and facilitate a move to Las Vegas — isn’t exactly the complete measuring stick.

Plus, these Mariners have way more problems than cobbling the rotation back together.

FOR ONE thing, they can’t hit.

Well, except for Kelenic, who looks like a triple-crown threat on this team.

Remember when the Mariners’ chief concern starting the season was whether or not Kelenic could consistently hack it as a major leaguer?

Ho, ho, ho!

Through Tuesday, Jarred was hitting .309 with eight doubles, seven homers, five steals and an OPS of .988.

You may find this almost unfathomable, but he’s the only player on the roster with an average above .239.

Mario Mendoza probably could have batted sixth in this Mariners lineup.

Tommy (Boom Boom) La Stella, who was the opening day DH despite a total of just 206 RBI in 10 seasons, blessedly has been designated for assignment.

Selling insurance, one hopes.

Then there’s second baseman Kolten Wong, who probably doesn’t want to be alone with Servais in any dark alley.

Wong so far is hitting .171 (OPS .449), but that’s the least of it.

LET’S SEE, to date Wong has dropped two throws right in his glove (one cost Seattle a game); forgotten the number of outs and didn’t score from first on a two-out double; and nearly lost ANOTHER game when he just lobbed a certain double-play throw to first – missing the inning-ending out, and leading to a three-run homer on the next pitch.

Jerry Dipoto has made a lot of great moves while pulling the Mariners into relevance, but Wong and La Stella are/were total busts.

I’m giving Pollock a temporary pass here, because he MAY have a bit of talent left — plus, he cares.

The Mariners, whose motto is “Control the Strike Zone,” so far have 98 walks and 288 strikeouts.

Their OPS of .666 is 26th in MLB, and of course, their .215 batting average is dead last among the 30 teams.

The defense hasn’t looked anything like last year, and at times, they’ve run the bases as though everyone’s had a few beers in the dugout.

Perhaps this is all a one-month mirage.

Perhaps Wong will explode into dust and just flutter into Puget Sound.

Perhaps …

Anyhow, that’s a bit of my look at all this.

Now, I want to know what YOU think.

Remember, there’s a nice squash (or something far more enjoyable) for a really insightful reply.

C’mon and help fix these guys, OK?

Email: [email protected]

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”