THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: For all you hockey newbies, here's a crash course

Hockey fever has arrived in the neighborhood.

Well, that’s partially true.

It’s absolutely a fact that this thrilling run by the Kraken in the Stanley Cup playoffs has brought new and casual fans to the party — but Kootenai County has a long history of successful junior hockey programs.

Just across the border, Spokane is home to the Chiefs of the Western Hockey League.

Suddenly, though, it seems like everyone and his dog is invested in the Kraken, and newcomers are learning that the NHL playoffs can spike your blood pressure every 90 seconds.

Or less.

Let me take care of one important item before we get into the nitty-gritty of the Kraken’s second-round series against Dallas — which resumes tonight at Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle.

Indeed, I’ve received all your emails with questions about hockey.

The general theme …

“I love what I’m seeing, it’s really exciting, but I only know what’s happening when there’s a goal.”

Opening sentences like that generally have been followed by requests for basic information.

What is icing?

What’s offside, and why do skaters sometimes have to “tag up”?

QUESTIONS like those generally come from brand new hockey junkies — people who had never heard of Philipp Grubauer until about a week ago.

(Yes, his first name is spelled Philipp, which I suppose is how they do it in Germany.)

I’m assuming that now you’re cheering for Grubi — every hockey player HAS to have a nickname, like it’s written in stone somewhere — and begging him to “stand on his head.”

You may have heard that no skater shaves once the playoffs start. They’re praying for a serious beard, since it means they’re getting heart-poundingly close to the Cup.

Anyway, about all those very basic questions …

I hate to even type these words, but the best thing is to try Google.

A hockey player would probably say: “Call Googs.”

If you want to ask more detailed questions about the teams involved or (hopefully) this series, fire those queries my way and we’ll see how it goes.

So far, my favorite question has involved kicking the puck.

Long story short, you cannot score a goal by having it enter the net after “a kicking motion” off your skate blade.

There are occasionally long, dramatic waits while officials in what’s called the “War Room” in Toronto decide if a puck WAS kicked in — or if it ricocheted (legally) off a skate, which can happen in those normal mob scenes around the goal mouth.

The best players have almost inhuman hand-eye coordination, and they not only can deflect a 100 mph slap shot with the blade of a stick (legal if it’s no higher than the shoulder), but …

It’s also an art form to get your skate at the perfect angle to redirect the puck, which is harder than you think — since an attacker that close to the net is surely being pummeled by a small army of defenders.

Not to mention the goalie, who has a stick the size of a cudgel and routinely whacks anyone within arm’s length.

APOLOGIES to all you serious puckheads, all of you who not only are following every minute of the Kraken’s playoff journey, but might be thinking about a trip to Edmonton or Las Vegas for the Western Conference finals.

Assuming Seattle can eliminate Dallas, of course.

Oh, that’s another hockey thing, taking care not to invite a jinx by mentioning anything about the next round.

The media are allowed, for some reason — so I’m exempt (although it still makes me nervous).

The ultimate superstition involves actually winning the Stanley Cup, which resides in the Hockey Hall of Fame — also in Toronto, naturally.

No NHL player would ever, ever, ever touch the Cup itself until/unless he’s on a team that wins it.

Of course, playing for a Cup winner is just about the coolest thing in sports.

Each squad member gets to take the Cup home — or elsewhere — for a brief but raucous celebration under (loose) league supervision.

The Cup, perhaps as you’re guessing, has been to Russia, to the Czech Republic, and …

Yes, to the bottom of a swimming pool.

For players who have dreamed of holding the Stanley Cup since they were toddlers, it must be unbelievable joy.

SADLY, I’ve never won it, so I don’t know the feeling — although I DID learn to skate while working as VP of communications for an NHL team.

Even more amazingly — or miraculously — I scored a goal in a celebrity match attended by early customers who’d come to see the Montreal Canadiens later in the evening.

Yep, I put a wrister through the “five hole” of a local TV broadcaster who was playing in goal.

Surely, you understand “five hole” by now, since Dallas goalie Jake Oettinger allowed a couple soft ones to go that route during the Kraken’s 7-2 win on Sunday night.


Oh, what the Kraken would give for a repeat of that tonight.

No matter your level of hockey knowledge, I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out that these games become more and more tense as we edge closer to the sharp end of the playoffs.

Eventually, it gets difficult to breathe.

So …

Have fun.

Email: [email protected]

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”