THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Mariners opted for cheese and crackers instead of prime rib, but kudos anyway

Helpful, like the guy who comes out to clean your gutters.

Hmmm.

In case you're wondering, I'm searching for a phrase to describe the Mariners' two trades over the past couple of days.

Have you got one?

How about this: "Really not quite as exciting as your third or fourth ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland"?

OK, this sounds a bit wacky, but this year's trade deadline reminded me of attending a glamorous cocktail party, with the Mariners a little shy about walking up to the buffet.

So, they quietly take a few crackers and cheese from the very far end of the table.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers are howling with enjoyment in the middle of everything, and asking the chef to hack them off another massive chunk of prime rib.

Sorry for sharing these pictures as they scroll across my mind, but I'm trying to make peace with the idea of Jerry Dipoto shopping in the clearance aisle.

It just feels wrong.

Dipoto and GM Justin Hollander have been big players in this neighborhood.

They have about a dozen starting pitchers, a catcher who hit 60 home runs last year, and they were just eight outs from the World Series.

The trade deadline?

They should OWN the damn thing!

FOR THE record, here's what went down.

Future generations will have to search archives at the Sporting News just to tell stories about it.

The Mariners finally shipped Luis Castillo out of town (after months of trying), with the White Sox picking up the dinner tab for the luxury of having a third or fourth starter.

The Seattle Times broke the news that La Piedra (The Rock) was leaving this way:

"The White Sox will absorb the entirety of Castillo’s contract, roughly $30 million through the 2027 season. 

The 33-year-old right-hander also has a vesting option worth $25 million for 2028 if he reaches 180 innings next season.

In return, the Mariners are acquiring veteran right-handed reliever Seranthony Domínguez, veteran outfielder Nolan Jones and Double-A catching prospect Boston Smith. They are also receiving cash considerations from Chicago."

So, there.

Nolan Jones!

Wow.

Tacoma's lineup will add just a little bit of thump.

Actually, Dominguez was the key to this first deal, especially since lights-out troubleshooter Matt Brash won't be back off the injured list until next month.

I misspoke there: Saving that MONEY was the driver in that trade with the Sox.

Next up were the Orioles, who were searching for someone to take veteran hitter Taylor Ward off their hands.

The Mariners obliged, shipping three minor leaguers to Baltimore in exchange.

The Orioles now proudly control future Hall of Famers Alex Hoppe, Harrison Kreiling and Brock Moore.

Meanwhile, Seattle is renting Ward, who will be a free agent after this season.

Still ...

“We are excited to add Taylor to our lineup,” Hollander said in a statement. “He has proven to be a consistent performer that is among the very best in the league at getting on base. We are thrilled to be adding a player of his caliber to our team.”

Ward has a career OPS of .827 vs. left-handed pitching (.739 vs. right-handed pitching) and a .413 on-base percentage vs. lefties this season. 

He most often batted leadoff for the Orioles, and likely will take that spot in Seattle until Brendan Donovan is back and injury-free.

YES, WE can have a bit of a laugh at these trades.

The Mariners didn't exactly add Lou Gehrig to the lineup, but they did land a slightly-better-than-average bat (a right-handed hitter) and a reliever in Dominguez who has occasional command issues but can miss bats.

There are times when you need a strikeout, and Seranthony is a guy who can get you one.

Overall, the Mariners are better off than they were a week ago.

They got that cash back from the Castillo deal — but didn't have to apologize for his big wins and team-leader status.

There's a limited but savvy hitter added to the lineup, and Dominguez hopefully will rack up some big outs during the stretch run.

He's poised enough to work ninth innings (when Andres Munoz just can't), and he's locked down 12 saves for the White Sox this year.

Yep, the deals were a disappointment for fans who desperately wanted Padres closer Mason Miller — the closest thing in MLB to "forget about it."

Miller, who averages north of 100 miles per hour has converted all 26 of his save chances this year, and he's ... well, just plain exciting.

Seeing a guy (on YOUR team) running it up there at 104 is breathtaking, and frankly unhittable.

Miller would have added to the Mariners entertainment value — more than the Savannah Bananas — but the cost sent everyone running for someplace to hide.

The Padres wanted super pitching prospect Kade Anderson, and that had to be a no-sale.

Bottom line, the Mariners did as well as they could at a trade deadline that was a seller's market.

Jerry and Justin get gold stars for this one.

Thrilling is overrated.

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Longtime journalist Steve Cameron writes "The Cheap Seats" three times per week for The Press.