How to deal with big egos

After U.S. President Calvin Coolidge retired, a newspaper reporter went to see him at his home in Vermont. As they sat talking, the reporter said, "It must make you proud to see all these people coming by here just to look at you sitting on the porch. It shows that although you are a former president, you are not forgotten. Just look at those cars going by!"

"Not as many as yesterday," replied Coolidge. "There were 163 then."

Unfortunately, many leaders get chapped lips from kissing the mirror. They worship their self-creation too much.

I have a different way of talking about ego in my speeches. If you think you're indispensable, I tell people, stick your finger in a bowl of water and watch the hole it leaves when you pull it out. World Ego Awareness Day is May 11.

I'm not saying that all ego is bad. Everyone should have enough confidence/ego to stand on their own. It's what defines you and is your spark, your creativity and your individuality. Drive, passion and excitement are all good. Where people get into trouble with ego is when it is misused.

This lesson was drilled into my head by my parents, who made sure their brash son knew what they thought about conceited people. Perhaps this is where my fondness for aphorisms comes from! I can still hear them saying: "Don't hang your hat higher than you can reach." "Swallow your pride occasionally, it's non-fattening!" And my dad's stern advice, "It is far better to have other people say how great you are."  

Dealing with people who have strong egos can be challenging, but it's a common situation in both professional and personal environments. Here are some strategies to effectively manage these interactions:

When interacting with someone with a strong ego, it's important to remain calm and not let their behavior provoke you. Keeping your composure helps you maintain control of the situation.

People with strong egos often want to feel heard and understood. By actively listening and acknowledging their points, you can defuse tension and create a more collaborative environment.

Focus on shared goals or interests. Highlighting common objectives can help redirect the conversation toward productive outcomes and away from ego-driven conflicts.

It's important to establish clear boundaries to prevent being overshadowed by someone else's ego. Be assertive about your own needs and contributions.

Try to understand the underlying motivations for their behavior. Sometimes, a strong ego can be a mask for insecurity. Showing empathy can help build a more positive relationship.

Always communicate with respect, even if you disagree. This approach can help de-escalate potential conflicts and foster mutual respect.

Engaging in power struggles can be counterproductive. Instead, focus on solutions and outcomes rather than winning an argument.

Recognize and utilize the strengths that often accompany a strong ego, such as confidence and leadership abilities, to benefit the team or project.

Dealing with people with strong egos requires patience, empathy and strategic communication. By focusing on common goals and maintaining respect, you can turn potentially challenging interactions into opportunities for collaboration and growth.

Here's a final story to illustrate my point. In a bustling office, there was a manager named Bob who was known for his larger-than-life ego. Bob loved to boast about his achievements and often reminded everyone that he was the "best" at everything.

One day, Bob decided to organize a team-building exercise. He gathered everyone in the conference room and announced, "Today, we're going to have a contest to see who can build the tallest tower using only spaghetti and marshmallows. Of course, I'll be participating, so the rest of you better bring your A-game!"

The team got to work, and Bob, with his usual flair, began constructing his tower. He narrated every move, "Watch and learn, folks! This is how a true master does it!"

As the contest went on, Bob's tower grew taller, and so did his confidence. Just as he was about to place the final marshmallow on top, he declared, "Behold, the tallest tower ever built in this office!"

Suddenly, the entire structure wobbled and collapsed into a sticky mess. The room fell silent and then erupted in laughter. Bob, with marshmallow stuck to his nose, sheepishly grinned and said, "Well, I guess even the best can have an off day!"

Mackay's Moral: Ego trips have a dangerous destination.

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(Harvey Mackay is the author of the New York Times bestseller "Swim With the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive." He can be reached through his website, www.harveymackay.com, by emailing [email protected] or by writing him at MackayMitchell Envelope Co., 2100 Elm St. SE, Minneapolis, MN 55414.)