Grief, like love, is unending.

That's what Dr. Alan Wolfelt shared with more than 160 community members Wednesday night at the Hospice of North Idaho Community Services Building.

"When we love, we also need to mourn," he said.

Wolfelt is an author, educator, clinical psychologist and grief counselor with more than 40 years of experience. He has authored 100 books on grief and directs the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado. 

He came to Coeur d'Alene to share his insights on how to find practical ways to support oneself and others through grief and how to "authentically mourn" loss in a "mourning-avoidant culture."

"Many people try not to feel in the face of loss," Wolfelt said.

It's common for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one to try to push forward and "be strong." 

"It's standing under your grief and allowing yourself to be vulnerable that allows you to turn your grief into mourning," he said.

Authentic mourning, Wolfelt said, is the outward expression of one's thoughts and feelings of grief in an open and honest way. Over time, he said, this process helps to soften grief and make it survivable.

"If your mourning is not authentic, you are on hold," he said.

In contemporary society, Wolfelt said well-meaning people often make comments that diminish grief or urge a bereaved person to "move on" from the loss. But putting a timeline on grief or downplaying the impact of a death can do more harm than good.

It's necessary for grieving people to acknowledge the reality of the death and its impact, Wolfelt said. Emotions ranging from sadness and regret to anger and relief are natural after loss, he said, as are feelings of shock or numbness.

"Death ends a life, not a relationship," Wolfelt said.

That's why he said spending time revisiting memories of a deceased loved one and sharing those memories with others is a central need for grieving people.

"There's a lot of good people out there who will honor your love stories," he said. "Find people who will affirm the significance of your life losses."

He said keeping and displaying photos of the deceased person, using their name in conversation and sharing stories about them are all helpful to the mourning process.

After loss, Wolfelt said ceremonies like funerals are important to help grieving people process their feelings and open themselves up to support from their communities. He encouraged bereaved people to let others help them in their time of need.

"Don't do this alone," he said. "It's bigger than you."

Joanie Dwyer, a local faith-based grief counselor who became certified through Wolfelt's training, said having access to support and resources like those offered by Hospice of North Idaho makes a world of difference to grieving people.

"There are people who have gone through it before who can walk alongside us," she said. "Grief is so overwhelming and so contradictory. Knowing the resources is like finding water in the desert."

Dwyer knows this firsthand. She went to Hospice of North Idaho for support after the death of her husband 25 years ago.

"We can gradually come to that place where we can find peace and meaning and our broken hearts can be healed," she said.

    More than 160 community members gathered Wednesday night at Hospice of North Idaho to hear Dr. Alan Wolfelt's insights on supporting oneself and others through grief.